


the conservatorship

by eruriotica (minxiebutt)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Brain Injury, Dark fic, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Unreliable Narrator, not everything is as it seems :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minxiebutt/pseuds/eruriotica
Summary: levi is grateful to live under erwin's care.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	the conservatorship

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by katrina rice's [Guilt](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21230048/chapters/50545745)

The weather is nice and Erwin is coming over today. Levi lays in bed for a little while, listening to the traffic on the street, morning rush. It’s just past seven, but the impoliteness of society is already rearing its ugly head. He turns away from the cracked window, covering his head with one of his stuffed animals. 

This is why he hides away from everyone, why he hates the days that he must go be among all those people—

Except when it’s Erwin taking him outside, which is every time now. That’s nice.

He looks at his alarm clock, watching, waiting for two whole minutes to tick through, before he gets up and goes to the bathroom. The floor is cold on his bed-warmed toes and he hops quickly.

Erwin’s coming today! Levi thinks about the piles of papers on his desk, knows that he needs to organise them a little better, number the pages. Erwin’s so smart, he can make sense of everything even when Levi doesn’t give him help in deciphering his story. What’s even better is that sometimes when Erwin comes over, he’ll sit with Levi in silence all day, simply listening to Levi’s pen as it scratches words on paper. Levi smiles, wishing for another day like that, just having Erwin nearby to break his loneliness— 

He needs to get himself nice and polished for Erwin, to show off how well he’s been taking care of himself now that he’s on new medications.

He showered last night but he runs a bath anyway, because he will have his favourite person over, and he wants to be his cleanest. But, he doesn’t wash his hair again, doesn’t want to dry it out now that it’s finally regrowing in the bald patches from where the doctors performed their most recent surgeries. Levi makes sure to exfoliate his face and neck, knowing that Erwin likes when he’s squeaky clean. Between his legs is also important, because he needs to show in _every way_ that he’s capable. Maybe if Erwin thinks he can handle himself, then he can have a little freedom. 

_Not_ that Levi wants to go in public a lot, of course! He hates that, hates people, but sometimes he gets a craving on his tongue and it drives him crazy. Erwin doesn’t let him go out without permission, and he doesn’t have the means to ordering delivery, so he just wants the ability to visit the grocery store on the ground floor of his building without having to wait until a day that Erwin comes over and agrees to accompany him. 

He washes his face again and prays to the bathwater gods that Erwin will find him _able_ to handle this little bit of freedom. 

When Levi gets out of the bathtub, he feels antsy— he’s thrown off his morning routine. He only bathes on the mornings when Erwin come over, and it’s not _everyday_ that this happens, so he feels off-kilter. Once he’s done with his towel, he hangs it up to dry and goes back to his bed, climbing under the covers naked. He lays there for a few minutes, closing his eyes and bringing air deeply into his lungs, thinking to himself that he’s having a very nice sleep. And slowly, his day begins to right itself. 

When he gets out of bed, he goes through his typical morning routine: washing his face in the sink, brushing his teeth, brushing his hair. Picking clean clothes from his dresser and making sure that all the worn clothing goes in the hamper.

What a good boy he is! Erwin will be so proud to know that he’s able to set himself back to rights! That’s integral in getting Erwin to agree to letting Levi go anywhere without direct supervision. 

He sits on his bed and reaches over to stick his fingers through the crack in the window. If the safety lock would allow, he’d open it a little wider and put his whole hand through just so he could feel the breeze. One time, Erwin used his key to open the child lock and he sat with Levi, their chins on the windowsill as they let fresh air into the whole apartment. 

What’s he doing, wasting time? He should be writing! And he needs to eat something, he’s been awake for an hour already!

Levi toasts a slice of the seeded bread Erwin wants him to eat and then butters it. He eats it, standing in the kitchen, mind whirling alive as he picks up the storyline of his current project, playing out on the cinema screen in his head. Even though asking Erwin for everything can feel limiting sometimes, he’s grateful-- instead of focusing (wasting) energy on making his own decisions, he can put his mind on his characters, and they matter the most. Oh, maybe Erwin will even let Levi read fan mail again, that’s always such a treat! Some of the nicer notes, Erwin even allows Levi to keep on a memo board in the living room to read whenever he’s feeling particularly down. Knowing how much others love his stories, knowing how many people even read his work--

Fan mail would be nice again.

Levi settles in at his writing table, shuffling through the pages, rereading some of what he did last night. The more recent pages will need revising before he turns them over to Erwin, but everything he’s done in the last week is ready to go. The end of this story is only a few chapters away, so within the next two weeks, Erwin should bring Levi the final publishing manuscript, all neatly typed up. And then depending on what other books are coming out and when, Erwin will choose an exact date-- Erwin’s last press release only vaguely promised that readers could expect it in the winter. Now that Levi doesn’t go out anymore, signed copies of his books are worth exorbitant amounts of money, Erwin says. Levi always gets terrible cramps in his wrist when Erwin takes him to the printing house to sign stacks and stacks of hardcovers, but Erwin _always_ apologises with a fancy dinner afterward, so it’s nice.

Without Erwin, none of this would be possible. Not only does he take care of Levi, but he manages Levi’s business, too. 

A few more pages are written by the time Levi hears the lock on his front door click over, heavy as it is.

“I’m here,” Erwin calls expectantly, but Levi’s in the middle of a very demanding paragraph. By the time he feels like he can take a break from writing, he looks up to find Erwin sitting across from him with a steaming mug in his hand.

“How are you feeling today?” Erwin asks with a smile.

Levi bristles, not knowing how to respond. How _is_ he feeling? He hadn’t even thought about that today. He’d thought about Erwin coming over, yes, but he hadn’t assessed himself aside from the excitement. A beat late, he manages, “Good.”

Erwin reaches across the table and pushes Levi’s bangs up off his forehead, all the while looking him in the eye. “That’s good, Levi. That’s really good.”

“I’m almost done with this book,” Levi blurts, wanting to shake Erwin’s intense, unwavering gaze, but it doesn’t work.

“You’re not pushing yourself too hard again, are you?”

Levi ducks his head.

“Levi.”

“I’m not,” he responds, again a beat too late. 

There’s no way that Erwin doesn’t sense the lie, but he drops it anyway, moving his hand from Levi’s hair to his jaw. “Alright. Would you tell me about the ending?”

So Levi talks Erwin through the last few chapters he has planned, explaining the outline that he keeps in his head. There’s a big reveal without any twists-- long-time readers of this series will have predicted it, yes, but there’s something so satisfying of a story that builds up to a rightful ending. Levi’s felt robbed by television shows that try to throw a curve ball in the finale, and he refuses to do that to his fans. As Erwin listens, he nods along, smiling.

“A lot of people are anticipating this book,” Erwin tells him. “I get a lot of posts on social media talking about it.”

Levi turns away, shying back from any mention of the internet. “I hope people will like it.”

“They will,” Erwin promises. “Don’t you worry.”

“I’m not.”

“Good.” Erwin begins to pet him again, pushing back his bangs and carding fingers through his hair. “How’s your head been feeling?”

Levi squirms. “Fine.”

“Just fine?”

“Yeah.”

“And the new meds?” Erwin asks him.

“They’re okay.” Levi shifts, looking away. “I feel more like myself.”

“From before?”

Levi tries to think back to a year ago but all he comes up with is a blurry haze. Still, he says, “Maybe.”

“You can tell me,” Erwin urges. “It’s important that I know what’s going on with you.”

Levi gazes at his conservator, knowing that he’s right. Erwin _should_ be knowledgeable of what’s going on inside him, especially because that’s how he makes informed decisions on Levi’s health and what he can or cannot tolerate. And Levi would really like a new permission! What’s he doing, hiding the truth?

“I’m,” Levi whispers, suddenly so shy. He thinks about how tortuous it is to have a food craving and not be able to sate it, so he pushes out, “I’m feeling much better, maybe not normal like last year but I don’t want to kill myself anymore.”

Patiently, Erwin pets him and smiles at him, allowing his eyes to rove Levi’s face. And then, Erwin’s other hand joins the mix, fingers lacing together at the back of Levi’s head, pulling the noirette closer.

It reminds him of memories deeper down than the blurry haze of a year ago; Levi was so young when he started writing. Fresh out of college with a creative writing degree, he was working doubles at fast food and then spending his off-time writing on his shitty laptop, hoping to catch a break.

When they met, Levi had been struggling to secure a contract with a big box publisher, struggling to prove himself to the company that put his debut novel on the shelves... but Erwin had helped him stretch that first meager pay out, helped him start his own publishing house, helped him avoid the predatory practices so many of the mainstream authors get caught up in. And then because Levi immediately found so much success, the business had expanded rapidly, losing no cuts of profits to a faceless company, and as they began helping other fledgling writers get off the ground, Levi’s business grew even faster.

When they met, there was a spark between them that engulfed them so quickly, without warning. They were business partners and lovers, and Levi loved it, affording a life to follow his passions and pay his bills with this man by his side.

Last year is an abrupt haze. Levi had been happy up until then, having nearly a decade of success. It’s unknown to him as he looks back now, why he suddenly tried to end his own life. Now, the doctors and Erwin tell him that he had a brain tumour that made him go crazy. It sprouted too close to the decision making center of his brain and made him try to kill himself, that’s what they say. They’ve cut into his skull twice now to snip up any growths that reemerge, and keep him on medications to stabilise his tantrum-prone brain, making him a person, they say. 

If Erwin had not stepped in and become Levi’s conservator, he honestly believes he would have died. He’d fought all the medical decisions, and it was Erwin’s persistence that has brought Levi safely to where he is today. 

“Are you with me?” Erwin whispers.

Levi startles, then looks at him again, swallowing, blinking quickly. “Yeah, I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“How…” He takes in a deep breath. “When we were together.”

“Are we not together now?”

“I meant when we fucked.”

Erwin raises a brow and suddenly Levi feels like he’s said the wrong thing, but then he laughs and Levi relaxes. “Do you miss me?”

“Yeah,” he admits, shrugs. “Sometimes.”

“I miss you, too, darling.” And then Erwin kisses him, and it’s been weeks since the last time! Levi opens his mouth, wanting more, but Erwin pulls back. 

Before Levi can whine, Erwin murmurs, “I want you back home as soon as possible.”

Levi freezes.

As much as he likes that idea, he’s terrified of the thought. Being here in this apartment is structured and _safe._ The windows can’t open more than a crack. There’s nothing sharp, no internet, no television. Levi is obligated to do everything he’s told, and Erwin doesn’t give him permission to do _anything_ without supervision. He has a little radio near his sink and he can listen to the news when he wants, but most days it’s too much for him to bear. Living here, living under Erwin’s conservatorship, is _comfortable._ Going back to his real house, his house with Erwin, would be _normal life--_ he doesn’t think he’s ready yet.

“Shh, darling.” Erwin shushes him and then kisses his forehead. “Not yet. In time. For now you’re here, my little writer. You’re here under my care.”

Levi bumps his head into Erwin’s chest and asks, “Can we sit together while I write?”

He just wants some peace and quiet with his thoughts for a little while. Thinking about life outside of his stories and his characters is making him antsy again, and spending some time in silence with Erwin while he writes will feel really good.

Erwin cups the back of his head and massages along where Levi’s spine connects with his skull. “Of course.”

  
  



End file.
